12 am

It’s 11:45 on 9th august, 15 minutes, and it will be my birhtday.  I have always been excited about them until my seventeenth birthday, then birhtdays after that and now birthday today. Without you, my first birthday without you and i don’t know how many more to come. These words doesn’t sound real. ‘Without you’ are you really gone? I don’t know how many firsts will i have to go through without you and i can’t wait for the last.I switch off the lights, get in my bed and pull my sheets above my head. I want to sleep before the clock ticks 12. Tomorrow I’ll tell myself i slept normally and it’s a regular day.
I don’t want to hurt my ice cold heart. I don’t want to hear my heart weeping like a child. It’s 12 and i don’t know where the tears are coming from. Is it because the idea of 20th birhtday sounded so exciting when i was 5 and it is not how i imagined, Or is it because i turned 20 and i still have no idea what am i doing? Or maybe it’s anger because i was scared of getting old but time didn’t work my way. Or maybe i miss you. I miss feeling normal. I run to the bathroom and splash my face with cold water. I am staring at my reflection.
The girl in the mirror says it’s ok. But she cries. If it’s ok then why is she crying? I want to ask her. I want to ask if it will ever be ok. I want to know if I’ll ever be an independent adult. If I’ll ever grow out of my wishes of having my people around my birhtday.  She nods and cries. And i nod and go back to bed. I am resisting the urge of checking my phone so hard it hurts my head but i know it’s looking for a notification from you and it won’t come and today is not the day for another disappoinment. The moon is full today. Complete. In contrary, i feel the exact opposite. 

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