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12 am

It’s 11:45 on 9th august, 15 minutes, and it will be my birhtday.  I have always been excited about them until my seventeenth birthday, then birhtdays after that and now birthday today. Without you, my first birthday without you and i don’t know how many more to come. These words doesn’t sound real. ‘Without you’ are you really gone? I don’t know how many firsts will i have to go through without you and i can’t wait for the last.I switch off the lights, get in my bed and pull my sheets above my head. I want to sleep before the clock ticks 12. Tomorrow I’ll tell myself i slept normally and it’s a regular day.
I don’t want to hurt my ice cold heart. I don’t want to hear my heart weeping like a child. It’s 12 and i don’t know where the tears are coming from. Is it because the idea of 20th birhtday sounded so exciting when i was 5 and it is not how i imagined, Or is it because i turned 20 and i still have no idea what am i doing? Or maybe it’s anger because i was scared of getting old but time didn’t work my way. Or maybe i miss you. I miss feeling normal. I run to the bathroom and splash my face with cold water. I am staring at my reflection.
The girl in the mirror says it’s ok. But she cries. If it’s ok then why is she crying? I want to ask her. I want to ask if it will ever be ok. I want to know if I’ll ever be an independent adult. If I’ll ever grow out of my wishes of having my people around my birhtday.  She nods and cries. And i nod and go back to bed. I am resisting the urge of checking my phone so hard it hurts my head but i know it’s looking for a notification from you and it won’t come and today is not the day for another disappoinment. The moon is full today. Complete. In contrary, i feel the exact opposite. 

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Reflections in the Sky

When i look at the sky, when it looks like the perfect combination of all the beautiful colors of this universe, it looks like it is telling a story, showing me faces of people that look so familiar, Oh i remember! It shows me my past. It shows me the memories i made with people who are no longer here…it is trying to tell me to live in the moment you have got, to make the most of it, to make the people with me happy, to take care of them right now when i can..For no one knows how long i am with them and in maybe in the future this sky will show me their faces..and all I’ll have will be my memories.

To my love.

Dear love,
I will never know why you left me,it still hurts because i thought you will never leave me, but this taught me that everything is temporary and nothing lasts forever neither good nor bad. You were the person i trusted the most, now i dont want to trust anyone, Ever.
You should’ve told me my fault. Was loving you my fault? But this taught me that bad things can happen to anyone, anytime and we should accept it beacuse our World does not collapse with a single bad thing happened to us.
I don’t love you now, No I do, I wish i won’t.
You cannot feel what i do, beacuse you are not in love like i am, remember how we used to talk about crazy love? It is really crazy, now i know.
I know you were my mistake, but my favourite one. You made me learn alot of things, I never would’ve thought that you will make me a stronger person by leaving me but you did.Thankyou love
From,
The person who loved you the most and is constantly trying to unlove you.

We all are same.

We see hundreds of people daily, more than half of them we don’t know. They all carry a story in their eyes. Some people have eyes so deep we can see those eyes are holding on something. We only know our story and thus our complete focus is on our story and we miss the vision of the greater picture, We all are humans and we share the same planet , we may not share our stories maybe our stories are different from each other but someone other than us also goes through the same, we all are the same. No one is greater or lesser. We should think above the discrimination on the bases of caste, colour, race, nationality and all that. We should be kind towards each other, we don’t know what the other person is going through and WORDS have the power of breaking and healing so make sure you are using them right.

monochrome photo of hands on top of each other
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Mental illness is Real

Mental health is an important issue and i think it deserves the same attention and care like physical illness, depression, anxiety, panic attacks are not just how we feel they are much more than that , they are diseases. I don’t know why but i have seen so many people actually its ok to say that almost everyday i get to see another person who does not believe in mental illness, patients are just sad and they are just feeling it, and it doesn’t really exists they say. I just dont get it , how insensitive people can be, just because you can’t see an injury you dont believe it!!!!? I am done.This is why people with mental illness are afraid to say it out loud, this is why they want to hide but when they do hide they stay quiet and just in a corner and then they are often think of as a rude person or an introvert. Those people are honestly lucky who are far away from all the mental illnesses , they dont have to stay up at nights thinking that they may die because the heart beating in their chest is not just beating its running and it feels like it may break your ribs and escape out, when they close their eyes they see something so disturbing that they have to keep their eyes open , when the night is over they thank God that they are alive and they didnt commit suicide at night, they get panic attacks before going somewhere their hands start shaking, heart racing , difficulty in catching breath but they are often brave enough to still go out , hangout with people sometimes. They dont tell anyone about this because maybe they dont want to make you sad or maybe they believe you’ll not believe you.But if anyone tells you about how they feel, you can’t help them just comfort them by tapping on their shoulder and say its going to be ok, stay strong, just provide them an ear to share their feelings, it often gets better by sharing and just BELIEVE THEM! PLEASE BELIEVE THEM!!

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Note to Self

When you feel like you’re going to explode,
When things are getting worse,
You’ve hit the rock bottom,
And you’re ready to give up.
That’s the point where you will rise my dear,
Things will start getting better now,
And if they don’t,
Don’t give up on hope,
Keep trying,
This is the test of your patience,
And you shall succeed,
You’ll make it through,
I believe in you;